Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Spotted in New Orleans.