Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.