if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..