Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow