Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Smooooooth
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.