*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me: