my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”