Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
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Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.