Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.