We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
taking June’s advice to heart
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.