Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters