Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they鈥檝e walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke鈥檚 on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine H盲agen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If it wasn鈥檛 for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn鈥檛 be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they鈥檙e independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here鈥檚 a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that鈥檚 rude.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Spider: what do you mean I don鈥檛 qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn鈥檛 the leggy
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
馃幎 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
me: i鈥檓 not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I鈥橫 DYING
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn鈥檛 sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you鈥檇 get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal