My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.