“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
much to think about
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.