I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I found your tweet-up…
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[loses house key, starts a new life]