no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.