Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
some cats are just doing for fun!