I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets