ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken