5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me