My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
remember
only for emergencies
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*