So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS