Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
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Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.