Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
You Might Also Like
goldfish mafia
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.