Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Twitter is an abusement park.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her