No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
nobody’s gonna understand
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus