“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.