*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.