We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar