Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now