Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
The Birdles
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.