My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526