Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
an airline just for babies.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’m crying im so happy for them
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.