Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My wedding will be open casket.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.