The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.