due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
This guy’s not having it 😆
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.