request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening