I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
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do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
As the Lord intended
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.