I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
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Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
This is my brand.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.