Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
the three branches of government
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?