We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.