[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
what’s the point then??
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault