I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Netflix and awkward silence?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.