wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”