”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Same pineapple, same
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.