If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
All of my best ideas involve jail time.