Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
They grow up so quick
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Ovenable?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on