math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits