Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
No one :
Me when I swimming :
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
He took my last fry, your honor
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.