Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Investing in beetcoin
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
secret recipe
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.